Section 16: Lest we become too serious
The following FAQ is courtesy of Grant Robinson.
This one's so simple, I can't believe a techno-weenie like you would
ask: an 80% slope is an indication of how steep a hill is, an 80%
grade is an indication of what percentage of skiers will make it to
the bottom. For example, on a hill that's graded 100%, all skiers will
make it to the bottom. Period.
Contrast this with a 10% grade, on which most skiers will get bored
and cut out before the bottom.
A more interesting question might be: what distribution will the
impacted beginners at the bottom of above-mentioned 100% grade follow?
(Hint: most will wind up pretty close to directly below their starting
Actually, it's an intelligence test. It's a study being done on apes
vs. humans. So far the apes are winning. Humans vs. slugs might be a
Depends on what level skier you are. If you're a beginner, any
loud colour will do, the brighter the better. This will enable other
beginners to see you clearly from a distance, and plan a course, such
that no matter what you do, they will run into you.
If you're an expert skier, you'll prefer pastels, earth tones and
lighter colours, making you a less visible target for crash and burn
types. You'll also look less like some mutant prize from a Cracker
Jack box. However you want to make sure it's not the same colour as
the indigenous trees, or you'll find the beginners will find you and
crash into you anyways.
Layering is important here. First you start with one or more layers
of leather, then ... Oops!, sorry, wrong newsgroup.
Tell your navigator/SO/wife/husband/kids to get out and put the
chains on. Bring extra reading material in case they take a while.
Wait until someone else with chains comes along and offer them
$$$ to put yours on for you. After they're done, but prior to the
cash transaction, "accidentally" unhook one of their chains and
drive away quickly. Works every time. (Did I mention a bolt-cutter
is the most effective "accidental" unchainer?)
You want either a VS (Very short), or VL (Very Long) model. Very
Short skis are good for things like cutting in lift lines, doing
on-snow 360's without catching an edge, and getting laughed at
(don't worry, it's just other people's inferiority complex over
not being able to handle small skis!) Just think of how much wax
you'll save in a single season!
VL skis (ie 215's or more) are good for a variety of other reasons:
you're less likely to inadvertantly do backflips and such with long,
stable skis, makes going straight easier (think of all the effort
you'll save by not turning!), and the extra length makes for more
safety when you hit trees, there is a much greater crumple zone.
Think of 215's as the Volvo's of skis.
Don't bend your knees! If you do, you'll just keep hitting bump
after bump after bump... By not bending you knees, you'll gradually
keep clearing more and more bumps with each succeeding aerial excursion.
Don't! Under no conditions should you ever ski powder! You could be
buried, lose your skis, catch an edge, etc. Leave it for the experts.
If there's more than 36 inches of it, page me, I'll come and track
that nasty powder down, making it safe for you and your friends.
(By the time I finish writing this, Eugene will have already written
a program to intercept my page, and introduce an n-hour delay, n
being roughly proportional to the number of new inches.)
If you really meant to ask this question, consider taking up golf
instead. Then again, there's not that much difference between golf
and skiing groomed runs.
Try Witchita, Kansas. You may still be able to get reservations
for this year.
Good. Great. In fact excellent. Ski conditions are always better
than the resort reports indicate. Ski reports are designed to keep
skiiers away and reduce crowds. So the worse the report, the better
the skiing is likely to be!
No comment. (Ed.: I always thought BIFF would be the snowboarding type)
Why in the parking lot of course! Sure it's totally illegal, and
you're ripping off the ski resort, but hey, you've already spent
hundreds of dollars on travel, lodging and food, damned if you're
going to pay a couple bucks more to support the ski resort, pay for
the ski patrol, etc. Who the hell do they think they are to charge
more than you happen to feel like paying!
LA or NYC. (a tip of the ole toque to BG for this one :)
Take up lawn darts or croquet, they're much safer. Alternatively,
for only $55/hr, plus a season lift pass for Vail, and room and
board, I'd be glad to teach you a thing or two.
For a small suitcase full of genuine, unmarked $100 bills, I'd be
glad to tell you.
Grant Robinson-- ClariNet Communications Corp, Sunnyvale, CA